She makes me cry
Tears for fears of an admiration so deep
I do know know where it starts.
She makes me sigh
when I catch my breath and thank the cruel dark for
leading me to this light.
She makes me wake,
from deceptive realities without her smile,
to find her, each night, right there.
She makes me break
apart all those crooked bones, set incorrectly, and
helps reconnect me, again.
She makes me leave,
all of the war stories, weapons and wounds
at her feet, and will not let them invade
this new terrain.
She makes me believe
that we are all worthy of something so sweet and
She makes me cry
we open up our eyes together
and release a long vibrating stretch
beneath a tornado of pillows, sheets and heavy blankets.
We yawn and blink
and I routinely smother you in kisses and back scratches.
I reset my alarm for another few minutes so I can soak in these sleepy moments.
These are happy moments.
I am always the first to finally lift myself up
and crawl out into the world
while you wait for me to coax your lazy limbs to the edge of the bed
and lever you down to the floor, arms perched beneath your warm belly like a forklift.
More stretching and yawning resumes
when those big paws reach the cool tile,
followed by the heart breaking wiggle of your stumpy crooked tail.
The house is cold. It always is in the mornings -
so hard not to retreat back into our nest
of memory foam and hand-me-down comforters.
I slip on my chewed up slippers
and grab my hoodie draped across your favourite leather couch,
I don’t even notice those course little of hairs of yours stuck in the fabric
You follow behind me.
I can feel your breath on the backs of my legs.
I always know you are right there.
I slide the chain lock off the door and rest my hand on knob for a moment,
twist and pull.
Icy damp air sweeps over us
and we step into the fog.
You suddenly remember how badly you have to go,
and scurry desperately ahead in search of that perfect little pad of mossy grass.
Little puffs of cloudy air dances from my lips as I call your name
into the mist,
you always come back.
Down the walkway we go,
one more time.
Imessage, Instagram, Facebook, Glassboard, Voxer, Whatsaaaaap?
You are funny. You are clever. You are worth something.
My reality in pixels and chimes.
Little green and blue bubbles –
bubbles containing calculated queries and quotes
in hopes that when looked upon by their eyes, they’d recognize
I was alive and
Why oh why did I not consider the worst
that these bubbles could burst -
the air escaped my chest with every hyperlink pressed
that confessed –
Blocked, restricted –
I was addicted –
to knowing why.
Am I so awful? When did I become so awful?
So bad that a smile on my face or to recognize the place I’ve been –
is not worth knowing?
So awful that I must be deleted, unfollowed –
Tough to swallow –
the truth –
that though I tried, I am not a guide,
but a maze of cords and wires –
not worth figuring out.
Little red symbols –
little red pinholes –
that pierced and bled at first
for once my existence was attacked –
Perhaps it’s best
that all this is left -
“It’s better to feel pain, than nothing at all
The opposite of love
Choose to be the better man.
Choose to do the best you can.
Choose to sail the seven seas
Choose only the worthiest memories
Choose ever after
Nothing was ever permanent
when scribbled in a no.2
with a rubber benefactor
to smudge away all regrets
Now I’m stuck with you,
a cool hard shell incased with
a temporary supply of red
black or blue.
No longer are my wishes
wishes but contracts with
dues, stipulations, and
filed away proof of error.
No longer time for shading
various types of grey,
only thick lines allowed –
to keep everything in bounds.
No more sketching hearts
around the visions of love
pure and perfect, not worrying
if it would fade.
No more tracing the
edges of ideas or carelessly
nibbling on the body of a
Nothing but hard copies of
reality and records
of unfinished agreements
Now, permanent markings
have been made,
and though it was all a mistake,
there remains a depression on the page.
A Day in the Life…
I make a ton of commitments.
Stress about not being able to complete them all.
Lock myself out of my house.
Realize I lost my house keys.
Definitely do not complete any of my desired tasks.
Somehow smash the top of my head with the hatchback of my car while attempting to slam it in a quiet rage because I have lost my house keys.
Curse quietly about my self-inflicted mildly concussed brain injury.
Realize all my issues aren’t really ‘issues’, but opportunities.
Feel so ridiculous that I even feel sorry for myself for even a tenth of a second.
Realize that we are our own biggest critic.
Understand that I need to cut myself some slack.
Find my housekeys right where they are supposed to be. In a place I checked probably ten times already.
Vow to believe that nobody gives a shit about how imperfect I am.
Remember that those that count know my heart and love me and all my faults.
Treat myself to a healthy meal and some chocolate.
Cherish the love in my life.
Thank the universe for each day I am given.
Try and get a good night’s sleep.
Enjoying the view from up here. Riding a wave that will surely at some point have to reach the shore and toss me tumbling into the sands of reality. But for now I am breathing deeply and sucking in the refreshing sea breeze, letting my lungs fill with the taste of change and possibility.
This is paradise.
As the year comes to an end I am thankful for so many things. For a (somewhat) healthy body which allows me to go where I want to go and the opportunity to physically push myself to new limits.
Having the chance to participate in Team Canada try-outs this month was a dream come true and a very specific goal that I had worked towards for more than two years. Skating amongst my heroes and my friends in the town where I first put on a pair of roller-skates was a surreal and an unforgettable moment.
Waiting to hear back on the results, I am totally at peace. I left it all on the track and accept this path I’m on.
It is no longer up to me.
Though the past year has presented some incredibly difficult tests and tough lessons I am able to say that I have no regrets and am grateful for every experience that has shaped my heart and soul and placed me where I am right now.
I have fallen in love again with skating. With competing.
I am ready to make new goals. Ready to work.
I have also fallen in love with life again. With the pain and sorrows and the wild tornadoes that spin you around and drop you in the most unexpected and unexplored places.
It all happens for a reason and here I am, feeling so incredibly lucky and excited about my future.
The fact that I get to spend the holidays with my family and friends and share this part of my life with a very special someone…the fact that I will end this year with nothing but hope in my heart and new experiences to look forward to…
Honestly, anything else that might happen…well that’ll just be gravy.